Baby Sister Robbin and the Peeps

All of us have to remember when you are given a vision and a dream it is yours and yours alone and no matter how rocky the road gets, how crooked the turns turn, how high you have to climb, or how many times you have to stumble before you make it you have been more than equipped for the dream that He handed specifically to you. Until He takes that desire from your heart or closes every door it is only His saying, "well done" that matters.

When they start getting on that last nerve, put on your best Etta James impression and just tell them it ain't their business. You should be smiling because Tami is Chaka Kahn.

To Know Me is to Love Me -- Maybe

There is a best selling book called Strengths Finder that comes with a psychometric assessment. It helps people identify their top five strengths. In the work that I do, I am often the one prescribing assessments for client groups but in this case I actually took it and these are my strengths:

#1 - I am STRATEGIC defined as having a distinct way of thinking and a special perspective on the world. I am guided by patterns and continually play out alternate scenarios until I find the best solutions.

#2 - I am a LEARNER drawn to the process of learning. I am a veracious reader and always looking for ways to gain and share new knowledge. It says that this skill enables me to thrive in dynamic environments where asked to take on projects and I am expected to learn a lot about a new subject in a short amount of time.

#3 - I possess the skill of IDEATION that means I am delighted when I discover hidden things beneath the complex surface. I look for elegantly simple concepts to explain why things are the way that they are. I get a jolt of energy from new ideas and some label me creative, original, conceptual, or even smart.

#4 - I am strong in the skill of CONNECTEDNESS and believe that all things happen for a reason and that we are all a part of something larger. The writer says that I gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another. ** The book actually says that I am a bridge builder for people of different cultures. My faith is strong and it sustains me and my circle of friends in the face of life's mysteries.

#5 - I possess some sort of COMMAND orientation that allows me to comfortably take charge and lead. It says that I am not frightened by confrontation because I know that it is the first step to growth and resolution of any situation. The writer says that these command types feel compelled to present the facts or the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be. He says that people like me need for things to be clear-eyed and honest and that I may often push people to take risk. He writes that some people will be intimidated by my strength, others will think that I am too opinionated while most people are drawn to me because of my strong presence.

I will let you all decide.

You Don't Really Have a Referral

Over the last few weeks I've read several Yahoo and blog post of families that say they have had referrals since September or earlier but have no medicals or court dates yet. I've learned some valuable lessons in my year and a half of this adoption journey. There are some things that many of us have painfully learned too late. I know that most of my blog readers have been around as long as me but for those that are a bit newer, this is an important lesson that I want to share with you.

If your agency has sent you a picture of a child that is NOT a referral. If you do not have a medical record and if you have not signed and notarized referral papers you do NOT have a referral. This is especially true if you are looking at being matched with waiting children. You have simply been matched. You are being considered as a candidate to parent the child. While there are some procedural differences with agencies this is something that is fairly consistent across the board.

Why is having the medical record important to the process and why does not having one signal a potential issue?

Children living in orphanages are under the guardianship of that particular orphanage they are not the wards (using an American term) of your agency. If a child has been identified to you the agency may or may not have yet completed a contract with the orphanage for that particular child. Before you can get a medical record or more specific information, there must be a contract for a specific child made between your agency and the orphanage where the child currently resides. Facilitators work with the orphanages to identify children and then the agency pays a fee to that orphanage to take guardianship of the child. The adoption agencies cannot leagally run an orphanage that is why they operate care centers that serve as a transition point for children being adopted. Children are usually moved from an orphanage to a care center after a contract for the child has been signed, after the fees have been paid, and in many cases not until AFTER potential parents have been identified.

Part of that contracting process includes getting a current physical and medical record created. This is where there may be some variation. Your agency may just give you a medical check-up form that was performed on the child while they were living in the orphanage but in most cases, the medical record is created as part of the contracting processes. It may not be done until the child is in the care or under the legal guardianship of your agency. Once the children are moved the agency then begins assuming the cost for the child. This is the point where some agencies charge a fee to the families for "foster care."

Why might that be a concern?

It's a concern for a few reasons. If you do not have a medical record it may be that your agency does not have legal rights yet for the child. Without that signed contract between orphanage and agency there is a chance that the child may go to another agency, that there is another family somewhere looking at the same picture, or even that the child will even go back to their family of origin. It means that you will wait for many, many months and not actually get that child or that the child in the picture ultimately may not be legally available for adoption. Another issue may be significant issues with the paperwork that passes between the orphange and the agency. The paperwork may need to be authorized, verified, or approved by local kebele's (local governments) before the transfer can take place. If you find yourself in this situation; wondering why you can't get standard documentation, you may find that the agency reps providing many reasons why the information and medical records are not available. Just know that without it you do not have secured referral and anything can happen including the fact that you may not be able to adopt that child.

Here are some parameters that may help you. In a normal case it should not take more than 2-4 weeks between the match with the child and the medical report being produced with formal referral acceptance papers. If you are in your second, third, or fourth month of waiting after being matched and you have not seen that documentation you should be concerned. The problem is that once you have that picture in your hand and you are being told stories about the children it is not easy to give them up. You want to believe everything that you are being told even though your gut tells you that something is wrong.

You have a couple of options; you can accept the match knowing that what I've written is a posibility or you can wait until you have the medicals in hand before you ever proceed. That would be my suggestion. I would also suggest that families not pay the REFERRAL fee until they have the official referral documents in hand.

So what's the bottom line?

If you have a bona fide referral you should receive documentation within 2-4 weeks. Once your dossier arrives in Ethiopia and the child has legally met all of the requirements for adoption your file is submitted to the court for a court date. You may receive a confirmed court date in as little as two weeks; however it can take up to 4-8 weeks from to get the court date. The court date may be scheduled 4-10 weeks out from that official notice. So, if you get a picture and a name but no medicals the child may not yet be under the guardianship of your agency, has not been seen by a doctor, and may not even have a clean medical history. I'm speaking in terms of those things that will require waivers. If this is the case, your agency will not be able to provide you with an official referral agreement until they are the guardians and have that record. If you do not have all of those things in hand you should not pay a referral fee that locks you in both financially and emotionally to a child that you may never be able to adopt.

I have read some really heartbreaking stories over the last few weeks and I hope that this helps at least one family that is lost wondering what may be going on with their process.

Thanks Be to God and Gedaye

I haven't talked in much detail about my trip to Ethiopia but I am going to start writing a series of post about the trip, my impressions of the people, and my thoughts on the country. I may even add in a couple of special things about the children. Who am I kidding, of course I'll do that. Part of holding back is wanting to process the experience and the other part is that if I'm going to tell a story I'm going to tell it and you will see that gets kind of long for a blog.

Now that I've been there and spent three intimate days at the orphanage and in the company of Gedaye the woman that runs it, not only does it give me comfort in how the children are being cared for but it also makes me feel a little protective of her and her work. Why do I need to be protective? It's not only because she is the guardian of my children but because so often I read accounts of people returning that seem to confuse poverty with lack of intelligence, or humble accommodations as incompetence or lack of drive. I read a funny but profound statement about a month ago where an AP said the people are poor their not stupid. I agree with the poster, there is a difference.

I didn't know what to expect when I got to Ethiopia and took with me only the visions that had been painted by many adoptive parents on trips before me. Within an hour of waking up my first morning I was taken about 5 minutes away to a large blue gate with a hand painted sign announcing the orphanage. To get there we went past many brown skinned people hustling and bustling to work by foot and car. We passed a hair salon, a corner cafe, a neighborhood corner store or what some might call a party store. There were three or four men sitting around a small fire they'd built on the sidewalk. We turned down an alley and made her way around the huge potholes and I saw mother's and children on their way somewhere with purpose. It was early morning and the area was already busy with intention.

I was 7,000 miles from home and this place seemed so familiar to me. This street that I went down, the alley, the people, the stores, the men sitting were things I've seen throughout my life in the U.S. I didn't know what to expect from Ethiopia but so far Ethiopia felt like home to me or at least a visit with relatives. I didn't grow up poor but I did grow up in a typical working class black community. I grew up in an area where people may have assumed that we were poor if they simply passed down the main street that ran through our neighborhood without and ever getting out of their cars to know us up close. There are people who past our way everyday without ever thinking much about who we were as people. I grew up in an area where my white classmates were not allowed or were too afraid to visit. If they had they may have learned that in this area where the lawns often had more dirt than grass, the paint on homes was peeling, a couple of gates were broken, and little kids walked around unattended; there was a neighborhood of two parent intact families. Many in homes where father's worked as bus drivers, ministers, or factory workers; where there were mother's and widows that were school principals, caretakers, school teachers, and homemakers.

Perhaps if people could have gotten beyond the look of the small modest homes and our poorly paved street they may have learned that our mothers were inside making full course breakfast each mornings, cooking and packing our lunches, and then making full hot dinners every night no matter how many hours they had worked that day. They may have found out how neighbors looked out for the children of other families when the parents had to work second or third shift. The may have learned how mannerly we all were to every adult that we encounter even if there was a hellion in the group. From their car windows, they may have seen children with pants that were too short, with patches or holes, or maybe even shoes with a missing shoelace. But, if people had inquired they might have found that our parents were telling us not to look at superficial things, that shoes had a purpose to keep your feet dry and did not have to make a fashion statement. They may have heard our parents tell us to be grateful and make the most of what we had and to remember that there were always others less fortunate.

My little Brightwood neighborhood in 1970s Indianapolis may have been a little more modern than Ethiopia but not by much. Again, I was quite fortunate as a child and had much more than many in my neighborhood but I had family members who had much, much less. We had family friends that lived in places that were not as nice or well kept as the orphanage. The value that my mother taught me was to look at people for who they are and not what they have. I've tried to do that throughout my life and where I could I've also tried to reach out to those people and help in ways that I could. What I learned from that is these sort of faceless, nameless, people that go about their business everyday want nothing more than to have their hard work acknowledged, and anyone who will listen to them, and respect them.

The gate was opened by a tall dark elderly man that literally looked like the one picture that we have of my mother's father. I walked through and met Gedaye she looked like two of my mother's sisters. She was short and thick and dark like my mother's family that I love so dearly. They were speaking a different language to each other but I couldn't help but feel like I had traveled half-way around the world to find people that I already knew somehow. I spent many hours with this lady that has cared for her countries children for many, many years. I felt strangely like I knew her but was more surprised to find that she felt the same way about me.

Her home is on the property and we went there, kicked off our shoes and curled up on the couch. I don't know how you evaluate her house by Ethiopian standards but it was small and dark with three bedrooms a kitchen and a living room. It reminded me a great deal of my grandmother's house that had more stuff than room and more things out of place than there were places for them. I laughed at the pile of laundry on one couch because that's where you would have found it in my mother's home. There were pictures on the wall, on every table, in all kinds of frames retelling the stories of her life. These weren't perfectly hanged portraits placed in an elegant fashion, they were her hidden treasured stories protected by dust-covered frames.

Her wedding picture was hanging over our heads as I asked her to tell me about that day. She told me about growing up in Tigray and how she met her husband. She stared at the picture when she talked about him and her eyes lit up. Her husband had died several years ago and she was left to raise six children on her own. She was a college graduate and at the time had been working for a government agency many years. She went through each picture telling me funny and sad stories about her life. I learned about her deceased parents and the brothers and sisters that she lost. She was the youngest of them and the only one still living. She has four daughters, three who have recently moved to Canada, Denmark, and Germany. She misses them and cried when she talked about them. But in between our conversations a different daughter would call. Her youngest son is a junior in high school, another son works with her and has a university education, and the third child I saw was a beautiful girl with the full lips and full hips that most sisters would be proud of.

I sat for hours with her and listened to her life story and how she came to care for these children, how she walked away from the security of her job just because she was tired and needed a change. She told me how her children were concerned for her future but how she had to trust God that he had a bigger plan for her. As I sat there, I was struck by the fact that she is only 5 years older than me. At times she would hold my hand to emphasize a point and I felt the warmth and hard fought years in every touch. The entire time that I listened to her, I just saw the hardworking spirit of my mother and her sisters that took on so much, rarely complained, and always thought more about others than they every thought about themselves.

This lady's job 24-hours a day is the care, nurturing, and feeding of other people's children. She rarely leaves the compound and often when she does it is to do more for the orphanage. I watched the kids run to the gate to ask her where she was going and when she would come back. She sees her role not as taking care of children until someone comes for them, but teaching them to be strong, disciplined, loving, and resilient in case no one ever comes. She not only cares for the children but she is building a community within the walls of the orphanage for all of the staff who work for her. She employs about 10 women and men full time and I watched as she challenged them to do everything that they were doing better. I watched them pull all of the cribs out of the baby rooms and wash the walls, floors, and beds. She explained that they do that every Saturday. If that isn't enough, she also runs a program where up to 50 women a week come and she provides them with freshly grown vegetables that they can sell and earn a living. I watched this process of them carefully measuring out a kilo of the most basic things so that every woman had an equal share.

This lady never rested. I watched her on my last night sitting in a chair exhausted with children hanging on her arms and neck. I watched as she told them stories and jokes and we made up some messed up version of The Farmer in the Dell. She told me about the each child and described their personalities. She said that my little girl was a genius and that my son would need a strong mother. But, I will never forget seeing the children finish their food and place their empty plates in front of her. They would say something in Amharic and bow their head quickly. She turned and looked and me and smiled, "they are learning," she said. She explained that the children often want to thank her but she has taught them that for everything they have to thank God and not her. As each of the children placed their empty plate before her they said "Thanks be to God."

Through her eyes I saw the value of an entire group of people that work in these places with little acknowledgment. When I hear people say that the Ethiopians are so nice, It makes them caricatures and doesn't begin to describe the depth and complexity of these people. I came away feeling that Ethiopians are people like people anywhere and sometimes they are nice and usually overly accommodating to nosy, ignorant strangers from America. Yes, I encountered nice people but they also have stories and histories that are deep and revealing. In my days with Gedaye I found her to be gracious but also tough minded. More than anything I saw her commitment and capacity to love in a way that is only God sent. For those moments in her presence I will be eternally grateful.

I Wonder as I Wander

I wonder if I showed up a preschool in Anywhere, USA and offered up ice cream to a bunch of four, five, and six year old kids if they might rush for it, grab for it, and eat as much as I would allow them too. What if I returned a second or third day? Would I see the same thing? What could I conclude from that exercise?

1. They were starving because they'd not been fed at home.
   
2. The children had not been fed lunch by the school.
3. The children just like ice cream.
   

Of Days Gone By

We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people but wherever there is life there is always hope. Things like this give me hope for the generations to come.

FROM THE MERIDIAN STAR NEWSPAPER:

There was a time when this newspaper – and many others across the south -- acted with gross neglect by largely ignoring the unfairness of segregated schools, buses, restaurants, washrooms, theaters and other public places.

"We did it through omission, by not recording for our readers many of the most important civil rights activities that happened in our midst, including protests and sit-ins. That was wrong. We should have loudly protested segregation and the efforts to block voter registration of black East Mississippians.

"Current management understands while we can't go back and undo some past wrongs, we can offer our sincere apology -- and promise never again to neglect our responsibility to inform you, our readers, about the human rights and dignity every individual is entitled to in America -- no matter their religion, their ethnic background or the color of their skin."

Taking Baby Formula to Ethiopia

I am glad to see such a great response to the post on taking milk. I've done a bit more investigating and found that NaN (the choice formula) is the first that contained bifidus cultures making it more like breast milk that strengthens the immune system.

I believe that the orphanages are happy to have the help and support and that it is also important for the babies to have some continuity of formula. I am asking that if people take over formula that they consider taking Nestle Good Start with Natural Cultures. It seems to be the closest to Nestle's NaN formula.

Nestle Good Start with Natural Cultures comes in a formula for babies 0-12 months and a formula for babies 9-24 months. NaN 1 for infants seems to be the hardest to find so people might want to keep that in mind. Nope I don't work for Nestle or have any interest other than trying to provide continuity for the babies.

You can check out this formula against others. Right now you can get a 6 24oz cans from Amazon.com shipped free for $103. Diapers.com has Good Start NC 1for $170 and Good Start NC 2 for $150.

I know everyone wants to help and it might be most helpful if we try to reduce the number of brands and different formulations that we are taking to Ethiopia.

My Plan from Here:

1. Contact Nestle to find out if there is a way that we can get them to donate NaN or if they will set up a way that others can pay for the formula and they will ship it directly to Ethiopia.
   
2. Contact Nestle to find out if we can set up some sort of bulk purchasing for Good Start in the U.S.
3. Check to see if there is another manufacturing that might help with number 1 and 2.
   
4. Initiate a milk drive that communicates the need and focuses family on one brand or formulation.

I am counting on you all to get the word out, continue making suggestions, and helping to formulate a plan. Feel free to post this information on your own blogs and someone can post this information to the big ET board as well. If you find a good price POST it!

Please Send Milk

As many of you know I just returned from the most amazing trip to Ethiopia. Over the the next few weeks I may share more details about the trip but there is one thing that I wanted to put out pretty quickly and that is about the need for baby formula and milk.

Before leaving on the trip I saw a few post on the big ET board that there is a milk shortage. I'd like to add a little bit about what I learned spending time with the orphanage director at Hope for the Abandoned Children.

The milk of choice is a Nestle brand called NaN. It comes in two formulas one for infants and one for older babies. It's my understanding that the distributor or Ethiopian supplier is (threatening) to stop supplying Ethiopia with NaN formula and so the price has gone sky high. I drove around with the director stopping at several places to purchase milk. She explained that the price for the 12oz powdered formula had risen from about $8-10 per can and is now being sold for $25 per can US dollars. She told me before we headed out that the shop keepers will tell you that they have no formula at all and that it is being kept off the shelves and hidden that is why it seems people believe their is a shortage when the truth is the milk is there but by making it seem so unavailable they can jack up the price.

As I said I went with her. We drove around to four places and they all told her there was NO NaN milk. At the last place she told me she knew that it was there and that we would sit until the shop keeper admitted it. Some 30-40 minutes later the man said that he had it at $250 birr per piece (12 oz can) but that we could only buy it by the case at 60,000 birr or $600 US dollars. She tried to talk him down but all he said was that she might try going up towards the mountain some 30 km away.

We kept going and she just explained to me the pressure that the prices put them under. Children need milk and if they are forced to pay those high prices it means that they can not spend on other things. We kept going and stopped at one more place and went through the same type conversation and negotiation. The shop keep decided to sell it to us for 140 birr or $14 per can. I bought 15 cans of formula for the orphanage but instantly wondered how far that would go. They only had the NaN 2 or the formula for older children. So what I bought did not include infant formula or even milk for the older children.

It was very upsetting and frustrating for me to see this. Hope is a very small orphanage. There are nine older children and about 10 babies. Imagine what this is like for the larger facilities. So I ask that if you go over or know families that are going over please send milk!

As I understand to transport more, you can buy the powdered forumla and pour it into large ziplock bags to make it easier to carry. It is important to place the labels from the cans inside the bags to get through customs. If you can't take or send milk, please take or send money to purchase milk while you are there. Maybe we even need to start a letter writing campaign to Nestle for donations. I know that something more can be done.

There were so many amazing things that I saw while on my trip. The 3+ hour hunt for milk was the most eye-opening. Do what you can!

This story is from another part of Africa but it shows the seriousness of the situation.

Make sure to check this out.

It's A New Day!

If you need a little pick me up, here is a video pick me up from the DJ. Enjoy and be blessed.

Prayers for a Family

I am so saddened to hear about the tragedy that has affected the family of Jennifer Hudson. The thought of losing three generations of a family in one horrible incident is overwhelming. To take the life of an innocent seven-year old child makes no sense.


In my post last week I mentioned working with children in Chicago who saw violence as a common occurrence, the children lived in this very same neighborhood. Working with the children just a five blocks from the murders, it was difficult and sad to look into the eyes of children who worried if they would ever live to see adulthood.

No child should have to wake up in the morning and wonder whether or not the will live until the end of the day. It is too much. We look to Ethiopia with compassion and understanding and too often look at communities like Englewood with suspicion and contempt. Children are children no matter where they are, no matter who their parents are, and no matter their socio-economic circumstances.

Please pray for this family.

Their story is a reminder of how life can change in an instant. Make the most of every moment and hug your children a little bit tighter. Tell someone you are sorry and make sure to tell those important to you just how much you love them.

The Children in My Life

I am not a first time parent. I am the Old Lady in the shoe and this is a path that I've been on for a long time with many children. It is through them that I've learned a great deal, become patient and recognized how important my role is in their development and more importantly how they have shaped me.

In my letters of recommendation there were two comments from different people that touched me.

One friend wrote : Valarie is like the pied piper for children, she is naturally at ease with them and they know it. Children are inexperienced about the world but they have an innate sense for identifying sincere adults that show them genuine love and concern. Even the most bashful or the toughest, misbehaving kids are like putty in her hands.

Another friend wrote: Some people have children and become mothers, Valarie was born a mother.

At my shower were two of my babies now 34 and 26. Children (uhmm...grownups) that entered my life almost 18 years ago.

• From 14-15 I worked as a hospital volunteer on the pediatric wing of a hospital.
• At 16 I was part of a special program that taught basic skills to fourth, fifth and sixth graders in economically disadvantaged schools.
• From 19-21 while a college student I mentored a 9 year old girl through Big Brothers / Big Sisters
• At 24 when I moved to Chicago I was a Junior Achievement adviser working with children who lived in between two rival gang territories and several of our students were known gang members. We spent very little time on JA projects. We spent much more time on life management, resolving conflicts, self-esteem, and growing up without parents. The facility had armed guards that sat at the ends of the hallways, there was a manned tower on the parking lot and I was escorted to my car each night. That is where I met a young 16 year old named Michael who shook me to the core when I asked him what he intended to do with his life. He told me that he would probably never live to be 18 but if he did he promised me that he would make something of his life. From that moment I learned that the outer shell was only that and inside was always a young child looking for unconditional love and acceptance.
  
• At 25 because of the many youth programs that I was involved in I was asked to work with a large inner city church to help them develop a youth education program. I lead a group of 40 adults over a five-month period to create Project Hope. It was a holistic plan for meeting children where they are and leading them to where they need to be. Parts of it are still used some 15 years later and led by one of my grown up kids.
• I stayed on at the church for several years serving as the Leader of Christian Youth education and spent most of my time teaching teen bible study and children's Sunday school. I counldn't teach it without living it and developed a system where we used the children's daily issues to lead the classes.
  
• It was the first time (far from the last) that I was asked and paid as a keynote speaker for Youth Education. That led me to graduate school where I further developed the HOPE principles and youth education programs that I began teaching to groups of adults who work with children.
• A two-year old family member in a pretty tough spot ended up coming to Illinois to stay with me over a period of time. She is definitely the child that changed my life and how I see children. She did not want to return to her home and letting her go was pretty tough on me too. Because of the circumstances she came back at age 4 and again at age 8 before becoming a ward of the court that would not allow me to adopt her from another state. She taught me that children are what we write on them and that they watch how we live more than they listen to what we say. I have strongly advocated for children every since.
• I worked in a program for teen girls and become the surrogate mom to a 16-year old for the next two years that had an absentee mother that would frequently take 1-3 week long trips out of town leaving the girl home alone.
  
• I met a 13 year old girl who told me that her goal in life was to DIE! Recognizing some struggles of other young girls like her, I created a program called Eyes Like Mine which was a 9-month mentoring program for girls 8-14. The girls spent one weekend a month in my home where we had structured events from Friday to Sunday. Many of the girls had never been to restaurants, or office buildings but we did it all and traveled to college campuses in other states. The girls came to know me as a strong advocate and a tough disciplinarian. I have a box of projects they completed, letters they wrote, and promises that I had asked them to keep. Several of their numbers are still in my phone and I am still "mom" to some of them.
  
• One of these children eventually came into my home on an emergency temporary order of the court. I am still mom to her and she will fight you (if I'd let her) if you say otherwise.
  
• One of the older girls, too old for the program but without a mother was brought to me with a desire to go to college, we scrambled and got her into a school in Florida and I had to work with the administration to manage a lot of situations that a parent would on her behalf.
  
• Another family member began spending summers with me at age 5 and eventually lived with me for part of second grade at age 7. Even after he did not live here, he and his brother was here each day after school. I had also been the babysitter of their mother when she was a child many years before. These babies of mine are now 12, 16 and 32 and my relationship with them is still that of a parental figure. My boys refer to me as their aunt but I do feel like grandma.
  
• Last year I completed a program with the Chicago Public schools teaching life, leadership, and conflict resolution skills to 5th, 6th, and 7th grade students with some pretty complicated backgrounds. Helping children set life goals when they can't see beyond next week can be heartbreaking.
  

I don't really remember the time before children were a significant part of my life. Even though my own child died at birth I am "mommy" to many, some who never actual had mothers of their own. In my mommy role, I've had to sit in court as an advocate, attended counseling with my kids, dealt with substance issues, issues of abuse and all things in between. Without giving birth I've been to parent/teacher conferences, stayed up late at night doing homework, made costumes and cupcakes for the school events, and attended the plays and concerts. I've been called from my job for the sick kid and the misbehaving kid. I've interrogated boyfriends, set and had to enforce rules and curfews. I've heard the "I hate you's" the "I'm glad you're not my real mothers" and the "You can't make me's". I've hung in there long enough to here the, "How did you put up with me?" "I love YOU!"

I definitely don't know it all but I've seen a lot from the terrible 2s to the hot 22s. Without these experiences I would never I've jumped into the deep end of the adoption ocean. Parenting is a tough job but there is nothing more rewarding. I am so grateful to all of my grown up and almost grown up kids that allowed me to practice on them over the years and have encouraged me every step along the way towards adoption.

I love each of you babies so much!

The Children Know

I wasn't trying to start some big controversy with my "Parenting on Aisle 3" post. I actually thought that it was a funny story about how children learn to effectively manipulate their parents. The child in question was NOT in distress, he was NOT crying, he was NOT in pain. He was simply being demanding and he knew that if he were loud enough and persistent enough that he would get his way.

I watched the mother, she was NOT frazzled, she was NOT embarrassed, she didn't even seem to be aware that she was in a public place making a scene. It was a like a game they were playing and he was winning. Not one time did she say, "stop screaming." I watched her negotiating with him, attempting to bribe him, and then acting as though she might leave him.

I hear all of the, "you don't know until you have kids so you can't judge." Well, I talked with another adoptive mom last night who like me has worked managing children in programs since we ourselves were teenagers. We talked about how in that role where you have 10 children dropped off to you who will be in your care for a short period of time that you become very adapt at finding strategies that get the type of behavior that you need from the children. The other thing that we talked about is that we have had children in our care who are absolute terrors to their parents, neighbors, and friends but they become gentle and meek with us. I don't know if we have a special kid gene that drew us to work with children or if the work with children helped us develop ways of getting through to them. But, we both said that it starts with setting basic rules and requiring that they respect us as the authority in the room and demand that they respect the other children as well.

Children KNOW who they can push and who they can't. I think that it is Dr. Phil that says we teach people (children) how to treat us.

Children want boundaries and actually respond very well to them -- enter the Super Nanny. I have CHOSEN to work with some of the most challenging children from disadvantaged backgrounds, children with emotional disorders, children with violent histories and yes they can be very strong willed and yes they will try to push your buttons. As the adult I have two jobs, one is to understand where they are coming from and two it is to help them move towards more desirable behavior. Like I said in the original piece I had to leave that section of the store because I was two seconds from intervening. Like Bennett wrote in her response I have often approached a screaming child in a store and gotten a different result. My first approach is usually with humor, "You are far to handsome too..." You usually get a shocked look from the kid, like is somebody really standing up to me? Hey, this chick has my number and she means business. Then comes a thank you from the parent at their wits end.

I don't want to offend any of my six faithful readers but there are some things that I am certain of: my children will not eat M&Ms as breakfast cereal and they will not scream at me as though I work for them. We teach children to look both ways before they cross the street and they can also be taught not to yell at mommy. I expect to be have challenges when my children arrive home and I expect it to take sometime for us to get into a rhythm and develop an understanding, but until my little ones have learned that I mean what I say and that I will not negotiate, our outings will be limited.

To have my Amharic speaking children out when they do not know to listen for the sound of my voice or respond to the look on my face puts them and others at risk. I love them too much for that!

Go West...Then Come Home

One of the great things about my work is the flexibility that I have. The second is the many places that I get see on somebody else's dime. Well, second is probably all of the different types of people that I meet and the challenge of communicating the same message in a multitude of ways. Third is the travel and the places that I get to see. When I think West, I think about my client groups in Monterrey, LA, or San Francisco.

But I can remember landing in Missoula, MT and having a real sense of, "Where am I and am I suppose to be here?" I had the same reaction in Medford, OR but not so much in Clackamas. That's nothing against those places I had amazing trips but I did feel like I was in an area of the country that just didn't feel like a natural fit. It's added pressure to know that hours after landing I will have to face room of 30-40 strangers in a strange (as in unfamiliar) place and hold their attention for two or three days.


This week I made another trek out west and took these pictures after landing in Salt Lake City, UT. It was my first trip to SLC, another good trip and I found a really good Indian restaurant.


Since my trip to Wichita, KS just got canceled I guess I will attempt to paint my children's bedroom. I am crafty but I'm no painter. I am overwhelmed by the thought of it but inspired by some of the work I've seen the other mom's do.

Children are the Future - Oops!

Let me introduce you to one of America's future leaders (party affiliation aside). I'll add this with only these questions for parents who think there will be no issues.

• Who are his parents and what do they believe or what did they teach him?
  
• What community was he raised in that allowed him to feel comfortable in his boldness?
• Since he feels the issue is that it should not have been said in public does that mean it is still appropriate in private?
• When your child comes home from school and tells you this was said to him, what will you say?

The leader of a statewide group of college Republicans has been forced to resign after posting racially insensitive comments about Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama on the Internet. Adam LaDuca, 21, the former executive director of the Pennsylvania Federation of College Republicans, wrote on his Facebook page in late July that Obama has "a pair of lips so large he could float half of Cuba to the shores of Miami (and probably would.)"

LaDuca, who previously had called Martin Luther King Jr. a "pariah" and a "fraud," also wrote: "And man, if sayin' someone has large lips is a racial slur, then we're ALL in trouble."

LaDuca said Monday that he regrets posting the comments and understands how they can be construed as racist. "In hindsight, when you read it a second time, it's like, 'oops,'" he said. "It was just a dumb move on my part to make a statement like that public."

First Day of School

This is close to one of the dumbest things that I've heard in awhile. I live in the Chicago area and there are a group of African American ministers that are calling for a school boycott on the first day of school. They DO NOT want children to go to school tomorrow to protest the inadequacy of the school system. WTW! (what the what?)

Yes. The school in the Chicago Public System are bad. I've mentored a young girl that was in the National Honor Society in high school with a reading level of about sixth grade. There are problems and the funding of the schools is POOR. That's why they need to be in school EVERYDAY!

I am ashamed and give them an "F" for foolishness. Can you imagine what the kids must me thinking?

FOOTNOTE: The school system uses headcount on the first day of school to determine how some funds will be allocated to the schools.

Black List: Organizing for a Cause

In 1980 I was a fourteen year old high school freshman. I was invited to participate in a program called the Center for Leadership Development (CLD). There mission was to empower African American youth so that they could first see the value and potential locked within them. CLD provided training, teaching and inspiring to inspire youth to the highest levels of achievement in academics, college, career and life.

This program was invaluable to me and the lessons that I learned as well as the networks I developed have lasted me a lifetime. Today I still receive gifts and encouragements from CLD. But, CLD is not the only program that touched my life. As an young African American I participated in a great deal of school and community programs; however it was programs sponsored by NAACP, BDPA, Delta Sigma Theta, and INROADS that most positively influenced my life. These organizations not only prepare youth for life and work but they specifically prepare youth to succeed as Black Americans in education, family, corporate, and civic life.

I encourage families to investigate the organizations on this list. You might find that they provide valuable resources to you and your children.

Towards Cultural Fluency
For those who want to increase their cultural fluency I offer a challenge. I've created a workbook exercise around these getting to know these organizations. I am creating ten challenges in what I call 90 Days to Cultural Fluency. If you are interested you can register and access the information.

Here is a list of Black/African American Organizations.

Disney's Black Princess

If you haven't heard it took Disney until 2008 to come up with a black princess character. It took only months before the big unveiling to figure out just how off-base their premise for the princess was. I am writing this blog post after reading many of the comments suggesting that black people are again making much ado about nothing. I am writing because I think it is important to see how little America knows or understands about black history -- American history and how a company as large as Disney could be so off base. [Read the Disney Story] [Comments]

The NEW Disney Princess: Her name is Maddie she is a chamber maid to a white woman in 1920s New Orleans. She is rescued from her life of servitude by a white prince. Oh yea, and she performs voodoo!

Did they do any research at all? If so they might have found a few incredible stories to tell little girls of color about their history, their culture, and about their strength and fortitude. The comments stated that Disney's portrayal was historically accurate and others said what else would a black woman in the 1920s do if she wasn't a chamber maid.

Even before the Civil war (so before 1920) New Orleans was the home to many people called Gens de Couleur Libres or the Free People of Color. These groups were said to have prospered and amassed millions of dollars of wealth.

Education of the Times
The first black college in America was established in 1837. Today there are more than 100 historically black institutions and the majority of them were established between 1870 - 1910. So by the time that Maddy the princess lived in New Orleans there were scores of black women in colleges across the country. Spelman College a prominent college for black women in Atlanta first began accepting and educating women in 1881.

In Louisiana alone there were four historically black colleges at that time: Dillard, Xavier, Grambling State, and Southern Universities.



Social History of the Time
Not only were their black colleges but black people were in white universities all across the country. Black Greek letter organizations began as a way to promote education and support those few blacks on campuses. I belong to a historic black women's organization that was founded on the campus of Howard University in 1913. One of their first civic activities was participating in the Women's Suffrage movement that began that year. In 1908 on th same campus Alpha Kappa Alpha was created in 1908. (Acknowledging many of the black APs online).

Today these organizations still sponsor debutante balls and cotillions that were reminiscent of balls given throughout history.Today their are some 500,000 - 600,000 black women with ties to Delta Sigma Theta and Alpha Kappa Alpha today.



Considering the fact that it was illegal in many states for whites to marry blacks it is strange that the Disney story promotes the fact that the black princess might only be saved by a gallant white prince.

Black Men in the 1920s
Now why was Maddy rescued by any prince other than a black prince? Don't little black boys need images that are positive and representative of their history as well? In 1906 Alpha Phi Alpha a black fraternity was established at Cornell University. Other all black men's organizations that exist today were also born: Kappa Alpha Psi - Indiana University (1911), Omega Psi Phi (1911), Phi Beta Sigma (1914). All with intelligent, accomplished, and prince-worthy men.


What if Maddy were saved by courageous men like A. Phillip Randolph; civic minded men like Congressman Oscar DePriest elected to Congress in the 1920s; or brilliant writers like my favorite Langston Hughes. Maybe they could fashion the prince after passionate men like Marcus Garvey, accomplished scientist like Ernest Just and George Washington Carver. What about some of those heroes from WWI or even Matthew Henson that ventured to the North Pole with Admiral Perry?

Maybe we could find great men like:

• Pinckney Penchback a half black man first became governor of Louisiana in 1872 and was also elected to the US House of Representatives and the US Senate before his death in 1921.
• Blanche Bruce who had been born a slave became a US Senator in 1875 and Hiram Revels was yet another black man elected to the US House and Senate in the 1870s.

The Harlem Renaissance
The Renaissance is considered a time of social and intellectual transformation for black people. In this time of cultural renewal that lasted from 1918-1929 black people were writing, composing, and performing on Broadway. It gave rise to the famed Apollo Theater. It was jazz, it was blues. It was Duke Ellington, Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, and Josephine Baker.



It wasn't only in Harlem but in the 1920s Washington DC a 40-block portion of the city, (the Shaw neighborhood) was home to more than 300 black-owned businesses, including the Ford, Howard, and Dabney movie theaters, a large hotel, three black-owned banks, black newspapers and pharmacies.

Black Women of the Times
From 1900 - 1930 there were so many amazing black women doing amazing things against incredible odds. What if we developed the princess story line around some of these real-life women.

• 1903 Maggie Lena Walker founded the St. Lukes Penny Bank in Richmond, VA.
• 1903 Madame C. J. Walker started her haircare business and eventually became the first woman millionaire.
• 1903 Mary McCloud Bethune founded Bethune Cookman College.
• 1903 Nannie Helen Burroughs founded the National Training Center for Women
• 1921 Bessie Coleman earned her pilots license.
• 1921 Georgiana Simpson (Univ. of Chicago), Sadie Tanner Alexander (Univ. of Pennsylvania), and Eva Dykes (Radcliff) earned PhDs and Rebecca Coleman graduated from medical school.
• 1921 While attending Howard University Zora Neale Hurston published her first of many books.
• 1925 at the age of sixty-six Anna Julian completed her PhD in Paris.
  

Many of the comments are the best evidence for why Disney needs to do a better job in the type of character that it portrays. It is not only little black boys and girls that will learn from the story it is yet another generation of white boys and girls that get the wrong message as well.

I would think that in 2008 we could do better. Disney I am ashamed of you. After 84 years, it would seem that we could have used that time to be a bit more forward thinking, creative, and inspirational. For others that have read the story or may be confused as to why black American's are not overly enthusiastic, I hope this provides some context.

Strength to Endure

On this Wednesday morning at 11:30am I had to remind myself.

...the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the learned, nor favour to the skilful: but time and chance in all. ECCLESIASTES 9:11

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to his purpose. ROMANS 8:28

Then I listened to another of my favorite songs, For the Good of Them.


The race is not given to the swift nor to the strong but to the one that endureth until the end. There will be problems and sometimes you walk alone. But I know that it will work out for the good of them who love the Lord.


Eyes haven't seen and neither have ears heard. The things that God has prepared for them that love Him. Sometime you might have to cry and sometimes you might have to walk alone. But I know that I know it will work out for the good of them who love the love the Lord.

No matter what the problem. You can't solve them. They will come, but don't you worry. It will work out for the good of them who love the Lord.

Pictures Speak Louder Than Words

Need I say more?

What's Going On?

There has been a deep discussion on the big ET board about race. It's not the first and sure it won't be the last. It has; however, been much more reflective, thoughtful, and insightful than discussions that occurred months ago. I think that is good news. My contribution to the discussion was to make sure that the children see images of people who look like them reflected back to them. One (there were many) that I found surprising was from someone saying that it is good to see Barack Obama and that it is too bad that there are not more like him. They seem to be everywhere I look. My mother used to say that if you looked for something you would surely find something. So, we have to look.

I was checking out my friend Tami's blog and she has a post about the upcoming CNN special "Black In America." There is also a website that you might want to check out.

Tami also as highlighted the next issue of Vogue that has four black models on four different covers. What...? One is the beautiful Liya Kebede from Ethiopia. [background]

Well, I thought I would see Tami's four Vogue covers and raise her eight black men. Ebony is coming out with eight covers featuring prominent black men. I would have made a couple of different choices but don't they look good? Kind of makes you proud. The title of this post, "What's Going On" is of course a Marvin Gaye classic.