Family Relations Matter

I had never given this much thought but since I'm thinking about, I thought I might as well write about it. I hope to get some feedback and perspectives as I've read many on other sites over the last week.

I have always assumed that adopting two children at once that they would be siblings. Some one asked me recently if I would consider adopting two children at the same time that are not biological siblings. I guess my first answer is why not? I'd never thought much about it because many of the agencies prohibit it.

Like everything in adoption there are a lot of opinions. I actually read an article that accused parents who adopt unrelated children of rushing to build a family without any understanding of child development. It said that the parents were thinking only of their own needs and not those of the children. Another article I read accused agencies that would allow the practice of being unethical.

Here's what I've heard or read and the questions I have:

1. Adopting unrelated siblings does not give the children the individual attention that they need to adjust to a new family and the culture. Would this be different if they were biologically related?
2. The children may not get along, they may be adjusting to liking a new mother and then have to adjust to a new sibling too. Will they get along if they are siblings? Won't they each have their own adjustment to me as a new mother either way?
   
3. Adopting siblings provides support for each child in a way that unrelated children cannot. Siblings probably come with some of the same family traditions and habits, but won't two children from Ethiopia share those similarities related or not more than the Ethiopian children will share with existing children in the US family?
4. They share no actually family bond. Do our adopted children share an actual family bond or are we attempting to create one? How are these unrelated siblings different than the unrelated sibling situations created with existing children?
5. The children or one child may have attachment issues or other psychological issues that need to be addressed. Would this be the case for a single child or one or both of a biological sibling pair?
   
6. The child's needs should come first and it is complicated with these artificial sibling bonds. How much do we talk about the difficulty of children who are adopted as singles but have left behind siblings that they have grown up with?
7. Another though just came to mind...what about biological siblings that are being adopted that don't have the same mother and father.

I haven't resolved this. I'm just thinking out loud. What do you think -- pros and cons?

Here are two articles. Article 1 or Article 2

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers, mothers in waiting, mothers gone on before, and the mothers to come!

I pray today a special pray for the mothers in Ethiopia who make one of the hardest decisions possible. To give so unselfishly for children that I'm sure they love more than life itself. Sometimes people in the adoption community discuss terms like birth mother and real mother. To be granted the gift of motherhood is a blessing no matter how it comes to you. Once you've been a mother there is no time, place, or distance that separates you from that bond.

A Woman's Worth

I found a website for the Ethiopian Women's Alliance based in Cambridge, MA. There was an article written about the role of women in the Ethiopian community. The writer speaks of how even coming to a new country does not really change the role of women and how they are often viewed. Her realization is that it begins with how the woman learns to see herself.

FROM THE ARTICLE

I was born like an Ethiopian women in a male dominated society where the dominance of men and subservience of women in something that is indoctrinated in us from a very early age. I grew up with the knowledge that men are more privileged than women, they are supposed to be. Women exist at the instance of men; all the decision-making power belongs to men, both within the domestic and public spheres. Naturally the men make decision that favors them at the expense of their female counterparts. I learnt early that the art of serving and obeying men is a women’s province and her duty. It is hardly surprising then to find that I am still a ‘domesticated’ individual. My early upbringing was meant to prepare me for an eventuality that my fate, marriage and the limiting life that it entails. ‘It is a woman’s lot’ to endure this kinds of life.

The incident I observed in Lekso Bet was the effective ‘weeding’ out of women from the meeting place, leaving only men to make the decisions about the funeral. I am not saying women are exactly forcibly ejected from their seats. They merely get up of their own volition to provide incoming men with sitting space. After all, a decent, well brought up woman does not sit while a man stands, does she? Being ‘well brought up women’ we did not stop to think about the effect of what we are doing, we merely gave in to years of conditioning and gave up our seats to men. By getting up and giving away our seats, I did not realize the enormity or significance of what we were really giving up. We were giving up not just our seats but our chance to be part of the decision making process that was going to affect us, at least in the funeral! As I talked aloud to myself to the utter dismay of my relative, I wondered in amazement how many other ‘seats’ I had ever yielded without being any the wiser. I wondered how many seats Ethiopian women continue to yield, completely unaware that they were thereby signing off their right to power (as ability to make decisions is power), day by day. I wondered if the men I was watching with new eyes, realized how easily women relinquished their positions thereby empowering them, or they just took everything for granted. I have continued to wonder what will happen when more and more women learn not to relinquish their seats like my friend. Not just at the funeral meetings but in all spheres of life.

Read the entire article.

Seeing Black Through White Eyes

I came across this interesting article that tells the story of Michelle Obama first meeting her Princeton roommates. The story is told not from Michelle's point of view but from that of her white roommates and one of the parents.

I added it because so much was made about Michelle Obama's comments about her time at Princeton (also quoted in the article). It's also interesting to learn what has happened in the many years since.

FROM THE ARTICLE:

But her first day at Princeton held a surprise, too. And Donnelly knew it would mean confronting the past.

She walked into the historic Nassau Inn that evening and delivered the news to her mother, Alice Brown. "I was horrified," recalled Brown, who had driven her daughter up from New Orleans. Brown stormed down to the campus housing office and demanded Donnelly be moved to another room.

The reason: One of her roommates was black.

"I told them we weren't used to living with black people — Catherine is from the South," Brown said. "They probably thought I was crazy."

Read the entire article.

Ummmmmm Good!

I am a pretty positive person. I won't say that I don't experience sadness but I'm rarely really angry. Even when I am, I'm usually focused on so many other things that I will often forget what I'm angry about. That being said, I am always introspective. When things happen I withdraw a little, go inside, deal with my issues and emotions and then THINK through a plan. For me it is always about the plan.

What usually helps me to do that is listening to music. That's why all of the latest posts have had links to songs that either inspire me, calm me, or reassure me. Sometimes I will listen to the same song over and over at home and in the car until it sinks in. Here is another one. I've been looking for this Smokie Norful song on YouTube for the longest. It is not there. I did find it on another video site. The song is called "Um Good". I remember the first time that I heard this song, I was literally living through every word of it. Today looking back I see how I've rebounded from it.

If the words are true then there is never really any reason to doubt or worry how things will turn out. It is better to shout, praise, and give thanks in advance for the fact that you know they will.

Smokie Norful

There is Always a Plan

No matter what, or where, or why, I am so glad that I know:

• Joy comes in the morning
• No weapon formed against me shall prosper
• Hope that is seen is not hope
• All things work together for good
• God has not given us the spirit of fear
  
• God always has a plan
  

Here is one of my favorite Martha Munizzi songs, "I Know the Plans".

Taxi Cab Confessions: Ethiopian Style

Over time I'll reveal a bit more about the drastic changes that have impacted my adoption. Let's just say this week began on a crash curse towards a brick wall. I'm reminded to it's not always where we start that matters but where we end up. This morning things changed the moment that I got into Abel's cab.

I was in Boston the last few days on business and struggling to focus on the many meetings that I had. Today, all I wanted to do was make it through today and head home. Abel met me at the curb with a smile. As we tried to pull out into the intersection, he grumbled a little about the traffic and said, "I don't mind Boston but the traffic is terrible." I asked him where he was from (the accent was a give-away). Just as I thought, he told me he was from Ethiopia.

I mentioned to him that I would be traveling to Ethiopia. After seeming very surprised he told me that he was born in Bahir Dar but grew up in Addis. He was shocked that I had even heard of Bahir Dar. He told me that when I travel his brother works at a hotel and could provide us rooms.

Abel: When you go there I want you to be prepared for what you will see. There are many poor people in Addis and it will be hard for you. They are your people, they are black people like you and me. When you see their condition it may make you sad.

Did he say that they were "my people?" He included me and thought we shared some common bond. He told me that his family lived well by Ethiopian standards and that he wanted me to meet them so he gave me his telephone number. I hesitated as to whether or not I should tell him about the adoption. I didn't know how he would react. But I said it quietly, "I'm adopting from Ethiopia." He literally hit the brakes and stopped the car. I took a deep breath.

Abel: You are Ethiopian!

He turned around to face me and smiled really big. He hadn't really heard me and I told him that I was not. He thought I said that I was adopted, so he told me that if I was born there I am still Ethiopian. I explained again that I was not born there. He understood and started to drive again. I told him that I WAS ADOPTING children to bring them to America. He stopped the car again. I knew he heard me but what would he think?

Abel: My sister has children in Ethiopia! My sister died and her husband died. They left behind four children. She left them to me, but I cannot bring them to this country. Is it possible that you could meet with my family and consider adopting her children?

I held my breath again, I just wanted him to say that the children were in my age range. He told me that he was only concerned about the youngest. I was thinking how young?

Abel: Her son is 12 and in the eighth grade. For the children it is difficult and we only want the best for them. We want them to go to school and be well and have a future. God is going to bless you well for caring for the children. Please call me and talk to me before you go to Ethiopia. My family is good and they will be kind to you and your father.

He gave me his number again for the second time. He told me that he was glad that I was one that he picked up this morning and again that I would be blessed.

Abel: When you come again to Boston, I will take you anywhere that you need to go. You will not pay me I will always drive you now for free. When you do this that you do that makes us all family and we believe in helping our family!

He got out of the taxi and hugged me before I walked away. I understood that he was my confirmation that I'm on the right path and even closer than it might seem right now.