Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Funny Thing About Adoption

Well, I don't know if this is funny haha but it is funny like curious. Think back to when you first thought about adopting. You spent time really thinking through and about your decision. You researched the process, you go through different scenarios thinking of how you will tell your friends and family.

Then you announce that you've made a decision to adopt. People immediately ask, when do you get the kids?

You spent months explaining and explaining the process and that you have to apply and then get a referral. You spent your weeks or months on the waist list and are so excited that you are getting close to the top and you share your excitement and explain that you are CLOSE. People want to know what's taking so long?

You explain and explain the process. Then you get the call or finally get a referral and you are busting at the seems with JOY! You share your excitement and people ask, so when do you get the kids?

You explain and explain that a referral means a child has been chosen for you and in all of your excitement and happiness people want to know. Well what happened to their parents? When do you get the kid?

You explain and explain and you anxiously, patiently, frantically wait to be assigned a court date. You mark the date in big red letters on a calendar and share the great news and people say, so when you go to the court is that when you get the kids?

You explain and explain and then you nervously, anxiously, patiently, frantically wait for the court date to arrive and maybe it is less that favorable news. You share your disappointment and people console you and then instantly ask, well are you still going to get the kids? Why is it taking so long?

Then May 18th comes and though I'd known for several days that I had a Monday court date I decided not to share it with anybody. That way I didn't have to give updates or explain. I also took a bold step. I decided on Monday to turn my cell phone OFF rather than feel the anxiety of running to it and checking it. I also decided not to check e-mail but rather just wanted to have a normal day and check on things when I felt most at ease.

I had work conference calls scheduled ALL day. I believe that I found out just before noon that the case had been finalized but I found it out browsing e-mail while on a business conference call. It was great news but I decided that I didn't want to share the information but I wanted to keep it ALL to myself. I'd waiting a long time for it and I didn't want to share my thoughts or feelings with ANYBODY. I didn't want to answer questions, I just wanted time to soak it all in by myself.

I believe that I called my father at about 2pm and I knew that he knew not to pepper me with a lot of questions. Like me he was so happy to hear the news that he just wanted time to process it all. We talked without screams or shouts about what it meant to us and for us and then we talked casually about travel options and prices. I had two more work conference calls and then contacted the kid's godfather, it was a simple congratulations because he also understood the long hard road and how important it was to just keep it right there, focused on this one moment of the journey. I had one more conference call and called my best fried at worked I think we both were so overwhelmed that we cried and talked workplace softly about how important and meaningful it was. "Thank God", is all she kept saying. "We did it. We finally did it." It was a quiet fifteen minutes together and we just hung onto the moment. It was very important for me to share the news with these three people who were the first people who ever knew my plans and have supported me in an awesome way for nearly two years.

In between calls I just sat with myself, I went into the kid's room, I touched their things and quietly got on my last conference call for the day. It was just too important a day to shout from the rooftops and take a chance that those within hearing distance would want to rush me on to the next step, "so when do you get the kids?" The moment that I legally became their mother was so monumental that it was not time, is not time to move on to those details.

At about 5:30pm I finally called my coordinator to let her know that I had indeed read her e-mails and that I'd not vanished from the face of the earth but just wanted time to take it all in. She confirmed that what I'd read was true, I was really their mother. That was about the same time that I made the announcement on Facebook. I had so many well wishes and prayers and congratulations and I was truly moved by them all. Still, I need more time for quiet reflection, moments to give heartfelt praise for this step alone without feeling the pressure of what comes next.

Isn't it funny how we pray and ask for things and then when we get it, we barely take time to give thanks before we say, okay now what I need is... I just say thank you for where I am. This final court decree is the BLESSING! I sat down with my friend to celebrate over dinner last night and just enjoyed this BLESSING without talking about what is next.

I've learned through this process that time takes care of itself but praise and thanksgiving is something that we can control. You can ask me but please don't feel offended if I don't answer what is next or when. I'm still reflecting on the wonder of the day and praising Him for this monumental gift.

Thank You!


haze said...

Beautiful. You have a wonderful attitude, Valarie. I love that you had a quiet day to reflect and just enjoy the moment before the questions started. I might keep that in mind for myself.

God bless you and your children.

Anonymous said...

Unrelated, but you may find this interesting. Please, take a look and enjoy.


LoveNotes4CocoPrincess said...

You are and always will be, my quiet inspiration---Congratulations Sistah-friend. You Are Loved!

PS...you posted comment to me today made me weep without control...I think my fears were all washed in the tears! Thank you for being there for us all.

Tami said...

Excellent post. You teach me so much. I'm glad you didn't call me out and say I hung up on you when you tried to tell me. LOL

Anonymous said...

Very well said. Sometimes you just need time to process and absorb. Congratulations again.


kristine said...

One of the best posts I have read anywhere about the process of adopting.

I won't ask when you are going to write that book - I won't.

Of course, I've already asked when they are coming but that is because of my own selfishness thinking I might get to give them a hug myself:-))

BTW - I found out Quinn was a boy on my birthday when I was 5 months pregnant. I told no one. I didn't even tell anyone that I knew. He and I had that 4 months to just be...and every single moment I was grateful. I still am. I think those months of reflection helped me a great deal.

Many many many blessings to all of you.

i am so deeply grateful that I know you.

Angela said...

I really can relate to you privately taking in certain aspects of the journey to your children. 2 thumbs up!

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Can the church say "amen".
What a wonderful post.
I truly believe that we allow others to make us second guess ourselves or our decisions with their negative remarks, comments or prayers.
We have to remember that others don't always want what's best for us therefore it's best to sit and listen to GOD for our confirmation.
Take care and many Blessings

PS sorry for the two post; please feel free to delete the first one. :)

Gracie's Mom said...

Awesome and Congrats again!

Anonymous said...

Valerie, I am SO happy for you!

Nancy said...


I am so proud of you! I share in your joy and the excitement of finally knowing they are coming!!! The when is now inconsequential. I also know in retrospect that there are many things we (or at least me) share in excitement then later regret having quite so much enthusiasm. I admire your wisdom, forsight, courage, and self-control. You are awesome and continue to be an inspiration to me.

Blessings now & always,

Ruthanne said...

SOOOO true!!!! those who are or have been in the process understand EXACTLY what you are saying. You are so smart to have done that for yourself and just enjoy every second of that day.

Kerri said...

What a beautiful account of a wonderful day. :-)

Anna said...

what a wonderful step forward...so exciting and amazing when it all comes together. Breath it in, live it- love it!

iesha said...


Queen Diva said...


Valerie your dream FINALLY came true. I've been on vacation so sorry for the late post. I see you posted this last week and I'm a week late. But better late than NEVER!

I'm so happy for you! I've been following your journey probably since your beginning stages of your adoption and your FINALLY at the end of the road. Enjoy these days of excitement and preparation because it's going to be so much fun!


Freda said...

Congratulations,I'm so happy for you.

Sweet Patience said...

I am posting late because I had to find your blog again. I am so happy and excited for you. You have been through a journey for this adoption. This is very exciting. Travel safely.

Original Court Date: April 18, 2009
Final Court Date: May 18, 2009
[607 total days & 165 days w/IAN]