Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Time Grows Near

The number SEVEN symbolizes Spiritual Perfection and is found 700 times in the bible. In the Book of Revelation there are SEVEN churches, SEVEN Spirits, SEVEN stars, SEVEN seals, SEVEN trumpets, SEVEN vials, SEVEN personages, SEVEN dooms, and SEVEN new things.

How amazing it is that I sit to write this post, having but seven days to finalize this process. I think back to October 28, 2008 when the bottom fell out and the doors of hell opened wide, the skies got dark, and found myself sucked into some alternate reality and saw the ugliest side of adoption. It took its toll on me and almost consumed me until I realized that I was complicit and although I'd not signed up for it I was playing my part in what was becoming a merry go round of insanity. I decided to get off the ride. I refused to play the game any more and was willing to walk away from adoption all together. The price had become to high and it simply wasn't worth the fight if in fighting I was losing myself, my perspective, my dignity, and my self-respect. It just wasn't worth it.

On December 1, I made a decision and that was to end my pursuit of adoption. I was calm and rational and had decided that my money would have be better spent on a three week vacation and my time better used pursuing a PhD. It was when I finally made that decision to let it all go that a sense of peace and calm came over me and I knew I had made the right decision; it was like a heavy burden had been lifted. That morning I was on the computer looking for vacation trips and I received a call from my adoption nightingale named Robbin asking why I'd not responded to her emails. To be honest I just hadn't read them, they had something to do with adoption and I was finished with that, proud and happy with my choice, feeling a sense of freedom to move on with my life. I told Robbin about my plans and she asked me to first look at the e-mails that she had sent.

The e-mail in my mailbox was from ANOTHER adoption agency letting Robbin know that they indeed had a brother and sister between the ages of 3-7 that they were actively trying to place. Without my knowledge Ms. Robbin had reached out to this agency on my behalf. As I read the e-mail half-heartedly, refusing to be sucked in, the e-mail suggested that if I were interested and if I indeed had a dossier that we could proceed quickly. I'd heard all of this before and I tried to ignore the e-mail. My dossier had been returned from Ethiopia some days before. I didn't want to see pictures, I didn't want to hear stories, I didn't want to open myself up to be crushed again. Why did I get this e-mail today, after I'd decided to let it all go? It took me a day or two and then I thought I would at least inquire, but I made it clear that I was pretty jaded from my experiences. I was cautious and throwing up my own red flags almost hoping that the agency would say, it was too difficult. But, I received the opposite. To everyone of my cautions, I received, "We can work with that." Of course they could, it's always easy in the beginning, everyone is always so accommodating until...right?

I still don't know what allowed me to open up to the possibility but in my heart, I didn't want a new set of kids. I wanted the kids whose pictures had sat on the dresser in their room for six months. I wanted the kids that I believed were coming home in December. I wasn't even sure that I could wrap my heart around these new kids and I surely couldn't wrap my mind around the thought of more paperwork. The agency was making it too easy for me, they decided to accept my documents as they were. Somehow I fought through it all and made it to this point.

As I've told stories about my trip to Ethiopia that began on December 25, I've not said much about why. I just could not fall in love with another picture, I had lost the ability to trust or believe in information that was told to me by a virtual stranger on the other end of the phone. I had to see these new children, to touch them, to talk to them, to see if I had any thing left for them. The rose colors had been completely wiped away from my romanticized view of adoption and I needed to know if they were real and if my heart would be able to love them. I had to know how they would react or respond to me and I could only do that in Ethiopia.

It was with those mixed feelings that I rushed to throw a trip together in two days. After I returned feeling that every single thing about my adoption journey finally made sense and that every hurdle I had was only to lead me to these two special and precious gifts. Sitting on the steps at the orphanage I knew that as surely as I knew my own name. Through all the pain that I'd experienced I sat on the steps and laughed when I looked at them and I knew...these two children had only entered the orphanage in September, 2008 really near the time that my previous adoption began to unravel.

It's amazing how time has revealed this story and how effortless every move has been drawing me closer to these two little souls. From my first knowledge of them on December 3, 2009 to traveling on December 25, to completing a new dossier on January 19, 2009, to getting my court date on February 16 and then having that date moved up so that now we are waiting only seven short days for the court hearing that will finalize this adoption. It's been a life altering experience. It took me many weeks to remove the other pictures from the dresser, it took another couple of weeks to add the new ones, but since that time, I haven't looked back and have no regrets. What I have instead is a spirit of gratefulness.

Were it not for Susan, Robbin, Leah, and most importantly my dad, encouraging me, consoling me, pushing me, guiding me, and holding me up I would not have had the strength or desire to continue. When I resolved to quit they told me that I had to move forward and when my will was not strong enough, they willed this dream for me. For there strong unwavering belief in me, the constant support that they gave me, and the many prayers they prayed for me, I will be forever grateful. You are all apart of an amazing story that I will tell for years.

For all of you who have been so gracious and kind over this nearly two year journey, please keep me and the kids in your thoughts and prayers as the time grows near and we make our way closer to family.


Bennett said...

I am sitting here balling like a big old baby!!!

I am so happy that you read those emails, b/c during that time you had so many people you may never know a/b praying for you girl!!!

Robbin is a special person!!!, and it is amazing how this journey has connected people who have a true desire to see your dream come true.

I have you tucked really deep in prayer, and come on seven day!!!! Lets bring those beautiful kids of yours home!!!


Bennett said...
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Anonymous said...

Hi Valerie,

I've been following you blog for about a year and thank you soooo much for sharing. As I read this latest post, I was thinking, "Yes I know exactly what you are/were feeling because I went through that depth of pain and disappointment myself". Due to the changes with single women adopting from Ethiopia, my adoption was delayed. I was forcing myself not to get my hopes up to high. After a period of grieving for what seemed like a potential loss, I eventually gave it up to God, the hopes and dreams, the pain and disappointment, and finally was at peace. Whatever was going to happen, I was going to be all right. Then I got a call last week, a referral for a beautiful baby. I'm very excited, hopeful, assured that indeed, everything is going to be all right.

Peace and Blessings

Angela said...

WOW, I had no idea all of this occured even though I wondered what happened. This is an amazing blessing indeed!

God knew what was in your heart; you have a place in your life for children that nothing would have completely filled. He knew that!

I'm still in awe as I write....

Thank you for your kinds words about my mission trip, now I understand...

Kerri said...

What an amazing journey! It doesn't always work out in the way we wish it would but I'm so glad it has worked out this way for you now.
Keeping you and those two sweet children in my thoughts over the next week.

Robbin said...

Of course like Celeste, I am crying like a baby. I believe you missed your calling. Your words have life and they just weave together a story that has so many different fibers. Celeste is right... I have been touched by so many ppl in this journey to my daughter that I don't have words enough to express it.

As I read this, I am amazed because I can honestly say... It wasn't me. I was only a tool. It is almost fairy tale, but you know what Anita B said about that. It was just God. I remember that phone call and you were like "what do want".. I was going to get my hair done and you were so non-Valarie. I laugh out loud now because you were truly DONE. And as we've shared before, when you gave up control, the PILOT took over.

The parallels of these dates are just unbelievable, its like you were on one side of the teeter totter and adoption was on the other. When you felt down your situation was actually moving up! Every date is significant. Every date something was happening out of your control!!!

I love how you call it a finalization while so many others think of it as an "approval". The ultimate judge has already approved it. This is just a technicality. I am claiming the victory already!

And in 10 years when my little namesake (lol) is driving you batty, I want you to look back at all that you went thru and know that you can handle anything, when you just relax and let it do what it do!

You will be a great mom! I can't wait to meet them in August... I'm all over that LOL.

Remember... FEAR NOT!!!


haze said...

WOW, I don't even know what to say. This is a truly remarkable story. If ever there was proof of faith and fate, this is it. God Bless your kids, Valarie and I know He will be there for you all in 7 days.

Anonymous said...

I KNEW there was a story we weren't getting. What a wonderful story it is too. Cannot wait to see pictures of the whole family!


Debbie said...

I haven't gone back very far in your blog and had no idea the journey to your children was so full of hills and valleys. My husband and I seem to have hit many road blocks on the journey to our Ethiopian princess and this week was the worst by far. However, reading your blog today has made me realize, once again, that it will all be worth it in the end. I just need to have some patience.

Thank you for sharing your emotional and amazing story!

kristine said...

I just read this this morning and had to sit with it a few hours before responding. Robbin and the others were your angels. Thank goodness for them. But if it were not them it would have been someone else because God had his plan.

I believe with all my heart that God chooses our children for us. We waited so many years for Quinn and I know after all these years (3 so far) we are waiting for our child second child to be ready for us.

I hope you write that book one day. Your message is so important. Could that be the reason for the curly cew path? Who can say? But it's a special one. It's your family history. How special your children will feel when they understand their story.

You are and your family are in my prayers. I cannot wait until you are all together under one roof.

7 days!!!!!

Gracie's Mom said...
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Gracie's Mom said...

Beautiful Valerie, beautiful. God is amazing isn't he. Can't wait to see and your babies all together.

LoveNotes4CocoPrincess said...

And we know ALL things work together for our good because not only are we HIS children, but we love HIM with absolute trust. I love the way the LORD has put Auntie Robbin in so many "strong" women's lives. Only God could do such wonderful "hook-up"!

CONGRATULATIONS my dear Sistah-in-the-Journey!!!!!

Ruthanne said...

What a great story....God's timing is so much more perfect than ours, isn't it? I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain to create your family, but I'm sure that having those two beautiful children home will make all of it worth while.
Hoping to hear VERY good news on the 16th. :)

Sheryl said...

Valarie, I have been following your blog for awhile long before we were with the same agency, the agency I think you are with now. Our embassy date is May 7th, so who knows we might meet up in Ethiopia! That would be so cool. I would love to meet you. You are so honest and upfront and I respect that! Congratulations!

Freda said...

Valerie, I am at a lost for words. You are in my prayers.

Dawn said...

I have been following along through the peaks and valleys hoping to hear of a positive outcome for you.

I appreciate you sharing your very personal journey with us and I look forward to hearing more about your adventures of parenthood once your children are home.

Original Court Date: April 18, 2009
Final Court Date: May 18, 2009
[607 total days & 165 days w/IAN]