The Time Grows Near

The number SEVEN symbolizes Spiritual Perfection and is found 700 times in the bible. In the Book of Revelation there are SEVEN churches, SEVEN Spirits, SEVEN stars, SEVEN seals, SEVEN trumpets, SEVEN vials, SEVEN personages, SEVEN dooms, and SEVEN new things.

How amazing it is that I sit to write this post, having but seven days to finalize this process. I think back to October 28, 2008 when the bottom fell out and the doors of hell opened wide, the skies got dark, and found myself sucked into some alternate reality and saw the ugliest side of adoption. It took its toll on me and almost consumed me until I realized that I was complicit and although I'd not signed up for it I was playing my part in what was becoming a merry go round of insanity. I decided to get off the ride. I refused to play the game any more and was willing to walk away from adoption all together. The price had become to high and it simply wasn't worth the fight if in fighting I was losing myself, my perspective, my dignity, and my self-respect. It just wasn't worth it.

On December 1, I made a decision and that was to end my pursuit of adoption. I was calm and rational and had decided that my money would have be better spent on a three week vacation and my time better used pursuing a PhD. It was when I finally made that decision to let it all go that a sense of peace and calm came over me and I knew I had made the right decision; it was like a heavy burden had been lifted. That morning I was on the computer looking for vacation trips and I received a call from my adoption nightingale named Robbin asking why I'd not responded to her emails. To be honest I just hadn't read them, they had something to do with adoption and I was finished with that, proud and happy with my choice, feeling a sense of freedom to move on with my life. I told Robbin about my plans and she asked me to first look at the e-mails that she had sent.

The e-mail in my mailbox was from ANOTHER adoption agency letting Robbin know that they indeed had a brother and sister between the ages of 3-7 that they were actively trying to place. Without my knowledge Ms. Robbin had reached out to this agency on my behalf. As I read the e-mail half-heartedly, refusing to be sucked in, the e-mail suggested that if I were interested and if I indeed had a dossier that we could proceed quickly. I'd heard all of this before and I tried to ignore the e-mail. My dossier had been returned from Ethiopia some days before. I didn't want to see pictures, I didn't want to hear stories, I didn't want to open myself up to be crushed again. Why did I get this e-mail today, after I'd decided to let it all go? It took me a day or two and then I thought I would at least inquire, but I made it clear that I was pretty jaded from my experiences. I was cautious and throwing up my own red flags almost hoping that the agency would say, it was too difficult. But, I received the opposite. To everyone of my cautions, I received, "We can work with that." Of course they could, it's always easy in the beginning, everyone is always so accommodating until...right?

I still don't know what allowed me to open up to the possibility but in my heart, I didn't want a new set of kids. I wanted the kids whose pictures had sat on the dresser in their room for six months. I wanted the kids that I believed were coming home in December. I wasn't even sure that I could wrap my heart around these new kids and I surely couldn't wrap my mind around the thought of more paperwork. The agency was making it too easy for me, they decided to accept my documents as they were. Somehow I fought through it all and made it to this point.

As I've told stories about my trip to Ethiopia that began on December 25, I've not said much about why. I just could not fall in love with another picture, I had lost the ability to trust or believe in information that was told to me by a virtual stranger on the other end of the phone. I had to see these new children, to touch them, to talk to them, to see if I had any thing left for them. The rose colors had been completely wiped away from my romanticized view of adoption and I needed to know if they were real and if my heart would be able to love them. I had to know how they would react or respond to me and I could only do that in Ethiopia.

It was with those mixed feelings that I rushed to throw a trip together in two days. After I returned feeling that every single thing about my adoption journey finally made sense and that every hurdle I had was only to lead me to these two special and precious gifts. Sitting on the steps at the orphanage I knew that as surely as I knew my own name. Through all the pain that I'd experienced I sat on the steps and laughed when I looked at them and I knew...these two children had only entered the orphanage in September, 2008 really near the time that my previous adoption began to unravel.

It's amazing how time has revealed this story and how effortless every move has been drawing me closer to these two little souls. From my first knowledge of them on December 3, 2009 to traveling on December 25, to completing a new dossier on January 19, 2009, to getting my court date on February 16 and then having that date moved up so that now we are waiting only seven short days for the court hearing that will finalize this adoption. It's been a life altering experience. It took me many weeks to remove the other pictures from the dresser, it took another couple of weeks to add the new ones, but since that time, I haven't looked back and have no regrets. What I have instead is a spirit of gratefulness.

Were it not for Susan, Robbin, Leah, and most importantly my dad, encouraging me, consoling me, pushing me, guiding me, and holding me up I would not have had the strength or desire to continue. When I resolved to quit they told me that I had to move forward and when my will was not strong enough, they willed this dream for me. For there strong unwavering belief in me, the constant support that they gave me, and the many prayers they prayed for me, I will be forever grateful. You are all apart of an amazing story that I will tell for years.

For all of you who have been so gracious and kind over this nearly two year journey, please keep me and the kids in your thoughts and prayers as the time grows near and we make our way closer to family.